I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
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