Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
