I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
