As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
