im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Randomize
