Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
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