Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
