I just made out with a guy for $7.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
