Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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