soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I just gargled with NyQuil
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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