How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
