my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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