Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Randomize
