You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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