he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
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