My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
