Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
