One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
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