Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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