I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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