Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
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He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
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I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
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