Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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