I want to stick my p in your. b.
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
That's when you crack a 10am beer
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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