i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Randomize
