I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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