my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
