The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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