well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
