she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
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