I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
