Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
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