He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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