You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I need to calm my uterus...
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
