So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
