He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
