You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
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To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
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Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
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