i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
