I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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