Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
