so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I touched a dick in church today
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
