Just took my morning after pill in the library
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
