I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
