anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
