My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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