So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Randomize
