get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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