i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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