I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Randomize
