You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
