his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
