This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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