Pappa wants mamma naked
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Randomize
