Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
