remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
my liver is dry heaving
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
