I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
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he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
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High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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