I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Randomize
