It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
