The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
