After last night, I could never be a politician.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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