someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Randomize
